Written 5/13/20; modified this morning.

Why are we so petrified of silence?
Do we think about our bills, our ex, our deadlines, or when we think we’re gonna die?
Or do we long for the next distraction?*
In stillness, in silence, we think too much.
About past, present, future
            About what we have done and what we have left undone
                        About what has to get done
                                    About the things that feel impossible to do
Oh God, helps us stop thinking so we can be,
            so we can listen
 
I love resting in you,
            but I need your help
Still my body, still my mind
Silence my thoughts, fears, judgments
Even when the world around me won’t be quiet
            Lawn mowers roaring, trains and planes rumbling
            Phones ringing, husbands coughing
You offer a time and place to be still
Silence where truth is heard
Where there is nothing to fear
 
*Thanks, Alanis, for these enduring words of wisdom.

​My presence will go with you
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be with you
 
I am with you now
You know that I am
And tomorrow, and tomorrow
I will never leave you
 
So do not hesitate
Do not hold back
Let yourself go
So I may go, too
 
In going together, you will find rest
Rest from worry
Rest from the world
Rest in me
 
I will give you rest
For it does not depend on you
You will do great things
My presence will go with you

            My husband, Naaman, has been struggling with a skin condition for years. It can be a little unattractive at times and I know it’s a source of discomfort for him, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. He has been wounded in battle before and wasn’t as much of a baby about that as about his skin! And all around we see people suffering from much more serious, often fatal illnesses. I know it bothers him. A lot. I try to have compassion and not just judge him for what I see as vanity. I really do wish it would go away so he could stop worrying about it.
            Today, my servant came to me and was awkwardly trying to tell me something. I asked what was on her mind and she said she might know how Naaman could be cured. She was hesitant to say anything because she knows how insensitive people can be when they suggest all the treatments that have been tried or claim meditation or essential oils can heal conditions that need actual medical treatment. I assured her I was open to her ideas so she told me about a man, who she called a prophet, from her hometown who can cure people. I asked her more and she said she didn’t understand it, but he has so much faith and can just somehow do incredible things. I thought Naaman might as well try. And there was something about her conviction that gave me hope.
            I just told Naaman about the prophet. He is way more enthusiastic than I expected. He will try anything to be cured no matter how ridiculous. I hope this works out. He went to see the king and now they have some crazy plan that involves the king of Israel and a bunch of money. Naaman can never let anything be simple.
            Naaman just got home, and he is a new man! His skin has been healed, but that has nothing to do with it. He is finally worshipping God! He thinks it’s the god of Israel, and I’ll just let him think that. At least for now. But the Lord our God is one. I am so happy for him. For all of us. I wonder what would have happened if he had been disappointed, if he had not been healed. God would still be worthy of his worship. I hope he can remember this experience and know God is with him and loves him when a time comes in which his prayers are not answered in the way he wants.

Revised today based on a prayer I wrote April 2, 2020 on day 37 (rooted) of Writing to God by Rachel Hackenberg in response to Ephesians 3:14-21.

Because I come from love
I am beloved
I am sent forth to love
 
Let me feel my deep, wide roots
The firm, fertile ground
Your love that is my source
 
Your love allows me to grow
Needs me to grow
Forces me to grow
 
Let me grow into what I am meant to be
Into the truest me
Into your love alive through me
 
Let me bear the good fruit of love
Let me give seed to love that never ends
So all may know they are loved beyond measure

Written March 19, 2020 on day 23 (Experiencing Psalm 23) of Writing to God by Rachel Hackenberg. This was the week when the outlook for the pandemic seemed to grow exponentially bleaker by the hour. This was also the first day we began talking about whether we might need to postpone our wedding scheduled for the end of May.

​Though there may a shadow of death
It is but a shadow
And in the darkest valleys
You have always been there
And yet, everything feels so dark
 
I know you are with me
I look for you in the wilderness
For a moment there is light
Still waters and green pastures
And then I turn away and the darkness creeps in
 
Make me rest and know I am yours
Lead me into peace
Restore my soul
Lead me through the darkness
So I can speak of your light
 
Let your rod and staff guide my path
Even as I continue to wander
And when I am lost in darkness
Let me know you are right there with me
And anoint me with your oil when I need it most

​Create in me a clean heart
            Wipe away the pain that lingers
            Free me from old wounds
            Let joy emerge unencumbered
            And let me delight in life
Uphold my spirit that longs for you
            When I despair, remind me of our covenant
            Steadfast love
            There is nothing else you desire
            Nothing more I need
Speak your promise of hesed through me
            Words spoken and written
            With my voice, my pen, my very life
            Outrageous, irrational hope
            Declaring your love that claims and redeems

Written March 16, 2020 on day 20 (taking a breath) of Writing to God by Rachel Hackenberg, which invited us to write a prayer "to release the strain from your shoulders and the pain from your heart as you savor the good news that you belong to God." I frequently use some variation of this breath prayer to calm my body and mind and remember God is with me.

​Breathe in: You call me by name
Breathe out: I am yours
 
Breathe in: You are with me
Breathe out: I am yours
 
Breathe in: Wherever I go
Breathe out: I am yours
 
Breathe in: Whatever I feel
Breathe out: I am yours
 
Breathe in: You long for me
Breathe out: I am yours

​Written March 15, 2020 on day 19 (lament) of Writing to God by Rachel Hackenberg, which, after reading Psalm 22, invited us to "lift up a need for healing--in your life, in another's life, in the world." March 15th was the last time we attended church before everything in Chicago completely shut down two days later. We would not return until May 23, 2021.

​O God, you have not forsaken us!
Let all people feel your presence
Trust in your power
And join together in prayer for healing
Heal the sick!
Give wisdom and insight and discovery to scientists, doctors, and healthcare providers!
And give them courage and resources!
Remove political, economic, and social barriers to healing!
Heal fear and anxiety and blame!
Heal apathy and denial and dismay!
You are the healer of your people and their deliverer
Let us praise you and pray to you
Let us trust you and wait upon you with faithful expectation
Because you have not forsaken us!

Written September 9, 2020 as my small group began reading Radical Amazement by Judy Cannato

​Your sky is grey, God
There are no stars, no sun or moon
Only shades of grey somehow too bright for my sensitive eyes
Yet the stars and the sun and the moon are all still there
Infinite stars and suns and moons in countless galaxies
All beyond my sight, but surely there
This empty grey sky reveals as much as a clear dark night spread with twinkling stars
It reveals that I am blind, I cannot see
 
I try to contain your boundless sky
To make it a canopy over these houses and trees
            and over the houses and trees of those I know
            and over places I’ve been
But it is not a blanket
            or gauze
            ​or even a glass ceiling
It is infinity, or a void somehow full of potential
Alpha and Omega commingled and co-creating
 
Your sky stretches to all that was and is and ever will be
To the heavens, whatever that means
To Love
 
When I see by starlight, I glimpse your vast design
I begin to sense my place in the universe
A lovely speck in something too big with beauty to fully perceive
But when you hide the stars from my view
I am still part of your creation
Formed in your image
Fearfully and wonderfully made
Beyond understanding

​Keep me creative
Loosen my grip
On the illusion of control
Make me observant
Of beauty around me
And of hidden and not-so-hidden suffering
Let me play
And dream
And hope
 
Breathe into me
Activate my gifts
Arouse my passions
Free me to serve
To let go of myself
So I may work with you